So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize