On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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