I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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