Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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