i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
