Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
