people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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