Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
