What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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