My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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