I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
