if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
