Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
