You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
