kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I need moral support for this bender
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
