I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize
