My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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