I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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