cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
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He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
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He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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