I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
