I didn't shave. On purpose
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
