I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
