Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
