You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
