Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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