i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
