I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
