i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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