So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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