after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
