You smell like a Billy Joel song
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
