Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
