Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
