In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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