Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
