oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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