I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
