So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
