I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
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