there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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