I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Randomize
