youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
