Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
