i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
