Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
