I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
