I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
