The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize