That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
