At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
