Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
