a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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