My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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