I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
